At its core, our nervous system’s primary objective is survival. When we are very young, particularly as infants and small children, our survival is entirely dependent on our caregivers. We cannot survive alone. Our nervous system, therefore, is wired to keep us in close connection with the people around us. It constantly learns what behaviors foster connection and what might break it with our caregivers—whether they are parents, teachers, or other adults. From these experiences, we develop strategies to maintain proximity and perceived safety.

Consider a six-year-old child with a caregiver who consistently reacts poorly to strong emotions, perhaps by telling them to “keep a lid on it,” leaving the room, or simply being unable to attune. In this scenario, the child’s nervous system learns a crucial, often subconscious, lesson: expressing emotion leads to abandonment, which equates to a threat to survival. This deeply ingrained pattern can persist throughout our lives, impacting various aspects of our well-being, including chronic health conditions.

For example, if crying as a child frequently resulted in being told to stop or being left alone, your nervous system might then interpret crying as dangerous. It will then devise intricate ways to prevent you from crying. Many of us have experienced that familiar sensation of a tightening throat when strong emotions arise, effectively stuffing feelings back down. Understanding this nuts-and-bolts level of how our brain works is the first step toward rewiring these deeply held defensive patterns.

This learned protective mechanism, while serving a purpose in childhood, often becomes maladaptive in adulthood. What might initially sound bleak is, in fact, incredibly hopeful. By gaining awareness of what triggers our nervous system’s defensive reactions and equipping ourselves with the right tools to bring our system into a state of safety, we can actively rewire these patterns.

Think about experiencing a big emotion as an adult. Instead of your body instinctively tightening or creating pain (which can divert attention from the emotion, as seen in conditions like fibromyalgia), you can learn to tell your nervous system: “Hey, I’m safe. Everything is fine.”

Consider the common example of difficulty saying “no.” Many of us are trained from a young age that asserting boundaries is unacceptable. The simple act of declining a request can trigger an intense physiological reaction: heart rate increases, physical tension mounts, and breath becomes fast and shallow – a full-blown fight-or-flight response. Yet, someone who hasn’t internalized this pattern can simply say “no thanks” and move on, their nervous system remaining completely unperturbed. This stark contrast highlights how profoundly these early patterns govern our interactions with the world.

Another common pattern, often seen in individuals with chronic health conditions, stems from growing up with inconsistent or unpredictable caregivers, such as an alcoholic parent. Here, the nervous system learns a cyclical pattern: periods of difficult or abusive behavior are often followed by loving remorse, and conversely, periods of kindness are met with an underlying anticipation of the “other shoe dropping.” This can lead to disorganized attachment, a push-pull dynamic where the desire for connection is entangled with fear, as the system has learned that close relationships can be dangerous.

While these patterns can feel deeply ingrained and challenging, the exciting news is that they can be undone. We possess the tools and the capacity for change. Much of the skill-building we do focuses on:

• Interoception: Developing the ability to accurately sense and understand what’s happening within our bodies at any given moment.
• Environmental Awareness: Learning to identify what aspects of our external environment our nervous system is interpreting as dangerous.

Once we identify these triggers, we can then deliberately and systematically bring our nervous system into a state of safety. By combining heightened awareness with practiced regulation tools, we can fundamentally change the way we relate to the world and the people around us.

This might seem daunting, but it is ultimately a deeply empowering perspective. It allows us to step out of unconscious defensive reactions and become more active operators of our nervous system, leading to profound shifts in our well-being and relationships.